Collecting Welfare

I'm off today.

ABC: Obama's Comin' Fer' Yer' Guns!!!

ABC reports today that Attorney General Eric Holder said Obama will seek a new assault weapons ban, like the one passed in the 90s then expired during the Bush administration.

Remember when the ban expired and Bush goes, "Hey, I'd have signed it if someone put it on my desk, but no one did!"

No you wouldn't have, fuckface.

And by the way look at ABC's rendition of the amount of guns Eric Holder owns:

This would be my commercial:

Eric Holder. 

He wants to take YOUR guns away from you. Meanwhile, Holder has a gigantic gun arsenal that he poses in front of for pictures.

Eric Holder, if you want to take away our guns, shouldn't you get rid of your own?

Eric Holder.

Gun thief. Hypocrite. Black.

Call Eric Holder and tell him what you think of his gun arsenal.

I don't have his phone number off hand. But you get the idea. [ABC]

Drudge: It's Obama's Fault!

If you landed on this planet from outer space and the first thing you did was read the Drudge Report, you'd have to assume the world has already went to shit, Obama is to blame, and the poor in this country swim in gold with Scrooge McDuck.

"Well, well, well, Cletus. Look'a this! Our vary own Muslin pres'dent is sippin' his la-de-da champagne and raisin' our taxes!" And I get it, the "liberal media" did the same thing to Bush. But this dude's headlines are so fucking misleading. What's the deal with that? Very often his headlines have nothing to do with the article. Oh, wow, Mr. Drudge, you found the hidden lede! Good fucking job.

Anyhoo, as Think Progress noted yesterday, Drudge is obsessed with making Obama look bad through his misleading headlines. In fact, TP noted this while Drudge was in the process of blaming Obama's Tuesday night speech for the stock market going down yesterday morning. When it started to go back up around mid-after noon, Drudge changed the headline to "Stocks Rebound". And then, by 4, when it went back to its original opening numbers, it was Obama's fault again.
In the end, Americans should just not read the news. The news is meant to hurt us, scare us, mislead us in the messenger's form. Journalists make no money and are constantly in search of a better job, that's why they've worked all over the country. Just like politicians -- who often give up 7-figure salaries for 6 figure ones in the public sector -- they choose their jobs because they believe they are God-like, mythical creatures sent here by the overlord Jescan to do his bidding. They're all assholes, and they feel that you should be indebted to them. "I could be copywriting for JP Morgan right now!" "I could be chasing ambulances right now!" (The deep inner thoughts of journalists and politicians, respectively.) They gave up a comfortable life in order to make you nervous and control your feelings. The least -- the very least -- you can do is bow down to their every command. [Drudge Report]

Part III

David Brooks:

It's just a disaster for the Republican Party. The country is in a panic now. They may not like the way the Democrats have passed the stimulus bill. But the idea that we're just going to... That government will have no role, the federal government has no role in this, that in a moment when only the federal government is big enough to actually do stuff- to just ignore all that and just say 'government is the problem, corruption, earmarks, wasteful spending,' it's just a form of nihilism. It's just not where country is it's not where the future of the country is. There's an intra-Republican debate: some people say the Republican Party lost its way because they got too moderate, some people say they got too weird or too conservative. He thinks they got too moderate. And so he's making that case. I think it's insane. I just think it's a disaster for the [Republican] Party. I just think it's unfortunate right now.

Jindal Had To Wake Up This Morning Knowing Who he Was, And What He Did Last Night, Part II

Think Progress Notes Jindal said this:

While some of the projects in the bill make sense, their legislation is larded with wasteful spending. It includes $300 million to buy new cars for the government. $8 billion for high speed rail projects such as magnetic levitation line from Las Vegas to Disney Land. And $140 million for something called ‘volcano monitoring.’

Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, DC.

Ha!

It's this weird thing...a volcano? I mean, if God wanted volcanoes to erupt he would just do it like when he flooded the world and only one bestiality-inspired boat was allowed to live. Volcanoes don't erupt anyway. This money is being WASTED by bureaucRATS who are pocketing YOUR money!

And after all the talk about your love affair with some Wild West sheriff last night, Jindal, I don't think you should be crying about legislation put in place to avoid what happened to your state in 2005. Then again, you wouldn't have been elected were it not for Kartina. So, I guess your attitude would be "Katrinas for all!" [Think Progress]

Jindal Had to Wake Up This Morning Knowing Who He Was, And What He Did Last Night, Part I

Oh! Oh God it's funny! The world hates Bobby Jindal! He ruined his chances for 2012 in 11 minutes! Oh God this is good!

From Little Green Footballs:

I just got off the phone with a very plugged-in Republican strategist who told me that Republican reaction to President Obama’s speech, which the party will roll out in the next few days, will mark the beginning of a new GOP approach to opposing the president’s initiatives. (No, Bobby Jindal’s ineffective response was not part of that new approach — everyone seems a little embarrassed about that.) The Republican leadership in the House has concluded that in the stimulus debate, the GOP succeeded in dominating a number of news cycles but failed to score any points on actual policy. That, the leaders believe, has got to change.

Oh, don't let it stop! The freaks even hate this freak! 

2nd Soldier Against Obama!!

World Net Daily is creating turncoats out of our officers, it would seem. 

The psycho conspiracy site has convinced another active-duty military man to challenge President Obama's "eligibility" to be president. This is getting sorta sad in a funny, weird way. 

This reservist officer's name is classified. Because he is a coward. From the article:

The second soldier wrote, "I am an Army reservist who was activated last August and am currently serving with a military police battalion in Camp Bucca, Iraq. I will be here until at least June 2009."

"I think it is reasonable for Obama to prove his citizenship status thus certifying his eligibility. I too raised my right hand and swore an oath to defend the Constitution of the United States," he told Taitz. "I believe the case you are filing could very well determine if we are in fact a Constitutional Republic or a nation of mob rule. I would be honored to be a part of your efforts."

I don't blame these guys completely. If I had to serve in Iraq -- a war based on nothing, to accomplish nothing -- I'd try to get out of it, too. Especially if I were serving in the Obama era of Iraq. The era where everyone on Planet Earth -- and that includes almost all U.S. citizens now -- knows the war was for nothing but a re-election campaign and my current president has been rallying against it since its inception. You've got to imagine the people who can potentially die in Iraq must be pretty pissed now. Literally no one thinks what they're doing is right and we're just waiting for the right time to pull them out. That's got to suck. [World Net Daily]

Hi! I'm Bobby Jindal!

Good God this guy sucks!

Has anyone ever sounded more fake? THIS is the guy Republicans are looking to become their next big thing? REALLY?

He looks like one of these car dealers who's trying to run his first self-made commercial. But he can't because he can't act for shit. You can actually see his eyes going back and forth, reading the teleprompter.

And cool it with the Hurricane Katrina shit. It was your guy, George Bush, who put a horse cleaner in charge of FEMA, then bit the pillow for two years because he fucked America and hates black people. So don't tell me how you're friends with a --

motherfucking

-- sheriff. I mean, am I supposed to be impressed? This isn't the Wild Wild West. Fuck.

• Bobby Jindal believes in creationism. That means, the world was created 5,000 years ago by a guy with a white beard. He put a man and woman in a garden with talking animals. Jindal called this idea "The very best science."
  
• Bobby Jindal also believes his wacky science should be taught in schools.
  
• Bobby Jindal has participated in at least one exorcism.
  

It is for these reasons, that Bobby Jindal is not a conservative superstar. He's a conservative superstar because he's one of three colored guys they've got. And you want to run this fucker in 2012? Go for it. You'll lose the birth certificate wack jobs. A new brand of birth certificate wack jobs will come from the left and claim "JINDAL WAS BORN IN INDEEAA!" [USA Today]

Guy From Mrs. Doubtfire: "I Wrote Something, Please Read It Because I Won A Tony"

Someone needs to tell the Huffington Post that not a single person on Planet Earth cares about Hollywood actors' views enough to read them. I mean, I don't care if someone wins an award and then says something to the extent of "Bush sucks." Aphorisms have their time and place. But the idea that Jamie Lee Curtis (of "Halloween" fame and nothing else), Alex Baldwin (of brother's "Bio Dome" fame), and the guy from "Van Wilder" (of "Van Wilder" fame) get to write blogs is ridiculous. Give it -- the fuck -- up!

But I digress. Harvey Fierstein (the gay guy with the weird voice in every movie, most famously "Mrs. Doubtfire") writes today: "A Letter To Our President".

I almost threw up. Fierstein writes like one of these typical fucknuggets who thinks he's smart. And I don't give a fuck if he's won "Tony" Awards instead of an "Oscar". People pretend Tony Awards make you smart because it means your working harder for less money. Eat my shit, Tony Award winners.

Here are some vomit-inducing lines from his "column":

Days after your historic election an aide of yours told me that you plan to do away with the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." I applaud the gesture. But don't kid yourself. Redefining that policy will do little to end discrimination against us.

With or without the Pentagon's permission gays and lesbians have been serving in the military since the birth of this nation.

We may have served in silence.

We may have fought in secret.

But a complete ban of gays did not stop us from fighting and dying for our country.

Abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" won't bring us into the military or end discrimination against us.

Legalizing gay adoption won't end discrimination against our children in the playground.

Even legalizing gay marriage won't bring about the whole cloth change our nation needs.

When you, leader of the free world, accept, tolerate and even invite bigots into your fold changing a policy is not enough.

In any case, we don't need you to fight our small battles for us.

We will eventually win these on our own. Property matters, adoption rights, and even gay marriage will be won in courts of law as they are now being won in courts of public opinion.

He actually writes it like that.

Each sentence gets its own line.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Harvey Fiernstein:

Genius?

Or Super-Genius?

Harvey Fiernstein,

Fuck you.

Asshole.

[Huffington Post]

Idiot Loser In Iraq Jumps on Birth Certificate Bandwagon.

I guess Brokeback Romney doesn't support all the troops. In fact, generally speaking, I will go on the record and say I support all but one.

If a soldier had decided to publicly disrespect President Bush -- which many did -- he would be absolutely manhandled by the conservative media.

However, psycho conspiracy website World Net Daily is calling this Alan Keyes ripoff a hero.

"Until Mr. Obama releases a 'vault copy' of his original birth certificate for public review, I will consider him neither my Commander in Chief nor my President, but rather, a usurper to the Office – an impostor," his statement said.

That's from on-duty U.S. solider Scott Easterling.

Sounds like someone who joined the army at 40 -- yeah, that's what this dude did -- got a little more than he bargained for and is now trying to avoid duty by going the conspiracy route. Hey, Scott, have the black helicopters made it all the way to Iraq? Are the New World Order and their reptilian shapeshifters burrowing up from the sand?

Make no mistake: The birth certificate "controversy", which has been pushed by conspiracy websites is meant to rally the people who weren't psyched enough to vote in 2008, and get them to vote in 2012. Everyone knows that the psychobumblers of the South and midwest didn't like either candidate. "Aw shucks, McCain is a socialismist, too, Cletus!" If World Net Daily and other freaks of the American internet can keep this thing going for the next four years, they believe, we will have a new president.

But keep in mind World Net Daily also believes there's going to be a North American Union and the Rothschilds run the world. So maybe they're just doing it for the sake of doing it.

You've got to wonder, these fringe right-wing lawyers who are pushing their lawsuits on Obama to show his real birth certificate, how do they make money? Who's paying them?

And Scott, here are some websites to read up on:

• LA Times Proves Your Theory Is Bullshit
  
• Snopes Hates You
  
• Politifact Thinks You Suck
  
  This soldier decided to put himself in the limelight. Therefore, he deserves to be talked about. I know, I know, "support the troops", "Thank you for your service", whatever. But right wingers and their conspiracy theories only survive because their supporters and dwellers refuse to do 3-Second internet searches. [World Net Daily]

Conservative Music Online

Lance Morrison, a self-proclaimed "life long musician" thinks he can make money rhyming the rants of Ann Coulter's books and Rush Limbaugh's ham-soaked tirades. His website, Conservative Music Online, features a picture of him looking totally badass with his friendly guitar with some quotes about Democrats being idiots.

Among the topics covered on this 14-song EP titled "Blame America First" (that's what the Democrats do, BT-Dubzz) are Hollywood "leftists", the liberal media, Democrats whining about the 2000 election, and how the left wants to retreat from Iraq.

Morrison doesn't so much sing as talk funnily into the microphone. Imagine bad music sung by a retarded person. That's what this is.

Do the geared up internet commenters really think they're doing anything when they put their "KEEP IT UP LIBTARDOS!" and

"PALIN - the REAL change we ned!~!!!1" internet trolling to music? I mean, are people buying this shit?

Morrison doesn't so much as make a cover to his CD as he badly cuts out pictures of Democrats he hates and uses a glue stick to put them all together. He uses big, red font to write the title of this monstrosity. If you don't get it yet, the picture of 9/11 is meant to show that Democrats blame America first, and since the 9/11 pic is on the cover of the New York Times...you know. The NY Times is liberal or something.

And be very clear if you Google this dude. There is a Lance Morrisson who is a professional bassist and has played on Alanis Morrisette albums. This is not that Lance Morrison. That one probably has talent. This one does not.

Lance Morrison, Fuck you. [Conservative Music Online]

DRUDGE: I figured this one out, again

That Matt Drudge. He may not be a journalist. In fact, he may just be a millionaire and "own the news" because he was the first person to simplify it down to the level of anteater, but he's figured this one out:

In case you were wondering, Al Sharpton isn't calling for a protest/probe because he's Al Sharpton and that's the only thing Al Sharpton knows how to do. He's actually calling for a boycott and probe because the LITERARY GIANT NY Post probed HIS finances last summer. Get it? 

PS - I viewed Conservative Music Online and it's beyond my wildest nightmares. There will be a critique soon.

Commenter: BUILD A TRAIN TO CUBA FOR LIBS! he he

Okay, first of all there's a new article on Human Events that compares Obama to Jimmy Carter, Chamberlin, and Herbert Hoover. Okay, whatever. A month into his presidency and he's already the worst president of all time. I already knew they were going to say that.

Most importantly there's a comment below the article by someone who really, REALLY plans out his internet comments. He thinks he's funny, he thinks he's cool, and he thinks the cliched left wing stereotypes are going to make his fellow conservatives wet their pants.

Maybe liberals can see what makes us so mad about Obama if they asked themselves a simple question:

If you were going to build a train path between 2 points on taxpayer dollars, where would it be besides L.A. to Las Vegas? I can think of at least 5 ideas liberals would have liked much more:
5. A five-mile train that runs from junior proms in downtown L.A. to secret abortion clinics in Burbank. Only students and vaguely known school counselors are allowed to ride. This is a one stop ride-no stations at any nearby adoption homes allowed.

4. A ten-mile ‘God Damn America’ train that loops Washington D.C. Riders get to wear earphones that point out the lack of minorities in government. Trips by the White House and the Attorney General’s Office are excluded. Don’t worry, the train would have cost far more money under President Bush, since he had a black Secretary of State (twice), a black N.S.A. Chair, and a black Domestic Policy Advisor. Barrack Obama’s cabinet, hand-picked- is so white the train might be called the ’Vanilla Extract.’

3. A San Francisco ‘Observation Train.’ This train has no doors. Visitors from the East Bay are transported across the water and around the city. As captives in this train, passengers can’t leave a carbon footprint. It is a Green Train, meaning it brings money, not people. San Francisco likes the capital, just not the ism.

2. An 1800-mile train from Washington, D.C. to Maricopa County, Arizona. Now this train costs a lot more than the Vegas Train. The thing is, we could use this train to send Obama’s cabinet picks who failed to pay their income taxes straight to Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Let’s face it-the thought of Tim Geithner in pink shorts sounds good considering how we are taking it in the shorts from him. Let’s call it ‘AMTRAX.’

1. The Castro Train. A 90-mile train to Havana�"a liberal’s dream. At one third the distance of the Vegas Train, this train will bring liberals to Mecca. Now travelers can go to Havana for their medical needs (apparently Michael Moore’s liposuction there wasn’t successful). Revelers can tour Castro’s political prisons and talk to people who would view water boarding as sensual massage. Word is Bill Clinton, on his own, can make this train financially viable: So many interns, and so many Cuban cigars.

I say it in song@ www.conservativemusiconline.com

Get it? Liberals are socialists/communists and hate God. I'm serious, do you get it?

Next up, Your American Cretin is going to check out Conservative Music Online. [Human Events]

Bush Returns To Department Store After 8 Long Years

Wellity, wellity, wellity. George Bush -- still in the news -- is busy hating the general public, posing for pictures like a sissy, and lying the U.S. into hardware stores. The smug leftists at Think Progress are still talking about the former president and how he's a loser psychopath bitch.

"Posing for pictures? How could you, Mr. President? Do you have no shame?" - Tonight's Special Comment by Keith Olbermann.

Bunning: When Will That Liberal Just Die?

Republicans the world over were celebrating when they heard the old ACLU witch is going to be six feet under before the Republicans regain the majority of the house and senate in the 2010 elections and Bobby Jindal begins his HISTORIC race for the White House.

ELIZABETHTOWN, Ky. -- U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning predicted over the weekend that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg would likely be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months.

Ha!

Impeach...for some reason

This is real.

You can buy your own "Impeach Obama within the first 60 days of his presidency for reasons unknown sticker at [Patriot Depot]

Morning Joe: Here is my Awful Column about Nothing. Read It.

Morning Blowhard Joe Scarborough has recently written a...fluff piece?...about...something. But it's for the Huffington Post. 

Okay, first he argues that he's not so bad because he likes liberals.

Make no mistake of it. I am a proud conservative. And judging from the last eight years, I am one of the few left in Washington. But that doesn't mean I don't love listening to and learning from those with whom I disagree.

And he hates conservatives.

Maybe that led me to be once of the first conservatives to blast George Bush for moving America toward bankruptcy. That is also why I was the first news host from any network to began attacking the Bush Administration for their horrific response to Hurricane Katrina. For those with short memories, check out historian Douglas Brinkley's book on the subject.

Then he says they're wrong about something.

I am greatly concerned that it will put us deeper in debt without giving us enough bang for the buck. In fact, that bill violates just about every economic belief that I hold dear.

Then he says he hopes he's wrong about them being wrong because he likes the other side.

For the sake of America, I hope I am wrong. If I am, it wouldn't be the first time.

HE LIKES ARIANNA!

Arianna Huffington and I have shared a friendship spanning two decades and three White House administrations.

And he calls out the insane internet commenter to call him names.

That positive post about the new president was greeted with vitriolic responses and personal attacks from Huffington Post readers who called me everything but Adolph Hitler and a latter-day Ted Bundy.

He goes on to hate on a bunch of HUFF bloggers for making fun of him, allthewhile playing the "Hey, I'm just a regular guy" character. And he doesn't call out these bloggers and commenters because they hate on Joe Scarborough -- OH NO! -- he calls them out because...

Arianna deserves better.

Allow me to wipe my tears, Morning Joe. Here's the thing. Your show sucks, just like every other show on cable news entertainment. They've all taken the same Fox News-Rush Limbaugh-leave-out-the-real-facts-and-dumb-it-down mentality and ran with it. People watch the show they like because they already know who their talk show is going to argue with and who is going to win because of who the producer wants to win. Joe Scarborough: You are a liar, Adolph Hitler and a latter-day Ted Bundy. I don't give a shit how "bipartisan" you are. In fact, being "bipartisan" just means you're a pussy and have no ideals. So please, do the world a favor and shut the fuck up. Maybe others will follow. [Huffington Post]

Limbaugh: FAIRNESS DOCTRINE!

One of the signs of the apocalypse is the fact that Rush Limbaugh is writing columns for the Wall Street Journal about the "fairness doctrine."

Dear President Obama:

I have a straightforward question, which I hope you will answer in a straightforward way: Is it your intention to censor talk radio through a variety of contrivances, such as "local content," "diversity of ownership," and "public interest" rules -- all of which are designed to appeal to populist sentiments but, as you know, are the death knell of talk radio and the AM band?

You have singled me out directly, admonishing members of Congress not to listen to my show. Bill Clinton has since chimed in, complaining about the lack of balance on radio. And a number of members of your party, in and out of Congress, are forming a chorus of advocates for government control over radio content. This is both chilling and ominous.

Dear Fat Fuck:

President Obama has already said he'd veto any attempt to push through the fairness doctrine. Your column is meant to stir up irrational fears in irrational people, just as your 3-hour entertainment show does. Nowhere in your pathetic column do you quote Barack as saying he intends to reinstate the doctrine, nor is there any evidence toward that end. In fact, the opposite is true, and you know it, you doped up motherfucker. Stop trying to stir the public into a frenzy with fake issues and go back to the real issues: Debating whether or not this "President Obama" you speak of is a socialist, a marxist, a communist, a terrorist, a Trotskyite, or all of the above. Fuckface. [WSJ]

Woman: Obama is a Muslim Terrorist who Was Born in KENYA and whose biography was WRITTEN by Bill AYERS

There's a piece of shit in a shit paper called The Bulletin by a "writer" and "nurse" named Joan Swirsky. Here's the 411: She's a writer from Long Island, NY. She writes on women's issues. Recently, she's been writing conspiracies for Newsmax.com. Okay?

Here's the first paragraph of her op/ed:

Once upon a time, a white teenager from Kansas got pregnant by her black Kenyan boyfriend, Barack Obama Sr., or was it her husband? Whatever. (I say whatever because we’ve never seen either marriage or divorce certificates.) Some say the couple was in Kenya visiting relatives when the birth of their son, Barack Obama Jr., occurred. No matter. (I say no matter because we’ve never seen an authentic birth certificate.) By the time the baby was two years old, his father abandoned him for his other wife and child in Kenya.

HAHAHAHA!!!! Get it? It's funny.

Not that this needs to be said, but, Joan, who gives a fuck if Barry Obama Sr. and "a white teenager" were married?

"Some say" Swirsky's statement about Obama's birth certificate makes her a certified conspiracy theorist.

It goes on...

Journalist Jack Cashill has credibly speculated that Mr. Obama’s two memoirs were actually written by his pal Bill Ayers, who was and is a University of Illinois at Chicago English professor, having escaped life in prison on a technicality.

First of all, Jack Cashill is best known for his theory that TWA Flight 800 was a terrorist attack covered up by Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Second of all, Bill Ayers teaches Education, not English. 

Third of all, this is Cashill's credible speculation:

In his 1993 book, To Teach, for instance, Ayers lays out the difference between “education” on the one hand and “training” on the other.

“Education is for self-activating explorers of life, for those who would challenge fate, for doers and activists, for citizens,” Ayers writes.

“Training,” on the other hand, “is for slaves, for loyal subjects, for tractable employees, for willing consumers, for obedient soldiers.”

In Obama’s Dreams, these thoughts find colloquial expression in the person of “Frank,” the real life poet, pornographer and Stalinist, Frank Marshall Davis.

“Understand something, boy,” Frank tells the college-bound Obama. “You’re not going to college to get educated. You’re going there to get trained.”

Frank shares Ayers’ distaste for training. “They’ll train you to forget what it is that you already know,” Frank tells Obama. “They’ll train you so good, you’ll start believing what they tell you about equal opportunity and the American way and all that sh**.”

Make no mistake: The Bulletin is a newspaper that exists primarily because it will print the shit no one else will. It is actually printed with paper and sold at newsstands. On their website, they have an entire section devoted to the Barack Obama "birth certificate controversy." I kid you not.

Joan Swirsky, Fuck you, Liar. [The Bulletin]

Students: "What?"

Matt Drudge thinks that because high school students in Mesa, Arizona question the stimulus, that means everyone should hate Barack Obama, because Matt Drudge falsely predicted McCain would win the election in October and kept giving us misleading headlines based on Zogby polls.

That being said, when I was in high school, all I cared about was getting a Mexican to buy me malt liquor for the weekend and finding a good hiding place for my bong. I'm sure these "students" were just a little upset when they saw that man coming into town was a light-skinned black man (not a Mexican) and at that, had no pot. [East Valley Tribune VIA Drudge]

IRAN HAS BOMB!

Oh my god.

Oh. My. God.

IRAN HAS ENOUGH URANIUM FOR A NUCLEAR BOMB AND THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS THAT IF THEY USE THAT SUPPOSED BOMB IRAN WILL CEASE TO BE A COUNTRY BECAUSE IT WILL BE NUKED BY HALF THE WORLD. BUT STILL! STILL!!!!! [Financial Times]

Jindal: I Don't Want Dirty Money, Neither

Bobby Jinal is up for re-election in 2010. Yet, he says he's not going to accept any stimulus money for his poor-as-shit state that needs new levies and whose most populous city is still suffering from cars in trees, cars in the third story of abandoned buildings, and cars in the Gulf, getting washed ashore.

Bobby Jindal will not run for re-election in 2010. He will leave the race to announce his run for president to color up the Republican ticket. And when the Republicans realize the only chance they have to beat Barack Obama is one of three colored dudes in their entire party (unelected, under investigation Michael Steele and Anh "Joseph" "I'm taking my Vietnamese revenge on Americans for destroying my home country with Agent Orange herbicides and napalm; my child was actually born with three eyes" Cao being the only other two) the rednecks' heads will explode in a rage. Now that will be funny. [CBS NEWS]

Hannity: Things Suck Because Obama is Bad. Bush Was The Best

This is real.

People pretend Sean Hannity is a news anchor.

This is what Sean Hannity was saying during the Bush presidency.

Sean Hannity, fuck you, you motherfuck.

Canada Likes Obama. Who Gives A Fuck?

Think Progress thinks you still care about what people overseas think about Barack Obama.

I don't give a fuck. He won the election. That's all I care about. The great white North can go back to their ice fishing and bear sodomizing for all I care. Oh wait, I guess it's not all white. [Think Progress]

SC Gov: The Stimulus is Evil, Against God, pro-Fag Sex, But I'll Take It

If you're against the stimulus, don't take the money, assholes.

The governor of backwards hickstate South Carolina recently said that being against the stimulus plan "doesn't preclude taking the money." Brokeback Romney asks: Isn't Mark Sanford's statement, literally, the ultimate irony in politics?

Mark Sanford, fuck you. [AP]

Rove Knows

Disgraced, should-be-in-jail idiot jackass squishy faced Karl Rove has all the answers. That's right. All of them. He's so fucking smart in everything he does, that's why he was the brains behind the GREATEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME, George W. Bush. W will forever be known as the best president ever, ever, ever, because he did everything right and never messed up because he was so smart.

And The Wall Street Journal is still printing Karl Rove's column. This one has to do with how President Obama is "winging it." Rove knows because George Bush never winged it. He stayed awake day and night trying to do what was best for America.

Karl Rove, Fuck you. [Wall Street Journal]

Liberal Bias in Obama Administration

Blah, blah, blah.

Politico reports that six -- SIX!!! -- "prominent journalists" have joined the Obama administration in low level, crap jobs so they can one day write a book about "being there" when the New World Order turned The U.S., Mexico, and Canada into the American Union. It's proof of LIBERAL BIAS!!!! [Politico]

Eric Holder: Another Douchebag

It was so easy to accuse McCain of being friends with an America-hater during the election when Phil Graham called us a "Nation of whiners." They all jumped on the old man. Remember? ----BUT HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!

Eric Holder, Obama's Attorney General, today called us a "Nation of cowards." So you bet Think Progress and the liberal blogs are giving him shit for that, right?

Wrong.

From Think Progress:

Holder’s remarks are a refreshing break from the Bush administration, during which Justice Department officials allowed conservative political interests to trump civil rights concerns.

You can't make that shit up. [Think Progress]

Killer Monkey Sleeps With White Woman

Obama's the president and Drudge is linking to a story about a killer monkey who sleeps with with a white woman and eats white people's faces and had to be subdued by police after mauling a white woman.

Just saying.

[CBS 2]

Weekend Vomit Fest

LIVEBLOGGING!!1!

Brokeback Romney is shitfaced at 1:26 am. Fuck you all. Seriously though, I'm watching some shit and it looks like Obama owned the old shitbag. The fact that Rudy Giuliani hasn't committed suicide is proof that there is no god.

This video is from Wonkette. But it's true that these people shouldn't vote. They should burrow.

Liveblogging the Presidential Debate

9:00 pm - 10:30 pm - slimer.com is continuously stabbing himself in the face with a white-hot steak knife.

Your Boring Apocalypse

• Republican is mad at Bush for being a loser and dropping a nuclear bomb on our banks. Daily Kos reader is mad at that very same Republican for letting Bush pound him in the ass for eight years. [Daily Kos]
• David Letterman aired a clip of John McCain getting $5000 makeup applied to his face before an interview with leggy blonde Katie Couric. NY Post says someone's gonna pay. [NY Post]
• Politico, Drudge, and 570 midget commenters thought Obama going to the gym from 7:30am-8:20am was newsworthy. [Politico]
• Salon says "McCain has proven he's unfit to serve." Cretins say: "So did George Bush, but he still became president, limpdicks." [Salon]

Brad Hanson Gets a Hot Piece

The respectable wing of the media finally breaks a real story:

In a world exclusive The National Enquirer names GOP VP Candidate Sarah Palin's secret lover!

No less than three members of the man’s family including one by sworn affidavit have claimed that Sarah Palin engaged in an extramarital affair with husband Todd’s former business partner,Brad Hanson.

And then...

Hanson family insider, Jim Burdett, has gone on the record and passed a rigorous polygraph test, revealing de tails of the affair to The National Enquirer in a world exclusive interview.

Burdett is a former brother-in-law of Hanson’s estranged wife Carolyn's brother, Craig Batton, and still speaks with many family members.  

"I’ve known about Brad having had an affair for a long time, but it wasn’t until just recently that I learned his affair was with Sarah Palin."

"Sarah was elected mayor of Wasilla, Brad became a city council member in the nearby town of Palmer, and they started an affair. Todd found out about the affair and was so mad he broke up their partnership at the snowmobile dealership."

And then...

“Todd was away on business a lot and Sarah felt lonely. Brad was a good listener, and Sarah talked to him at length. Eventually, she realized she was falling in love with him."

“When Todd got back from one of his trips, Sarah told him that she had begun to have feelings for Brad.”

And then... you had to make a dick of yourself buying the rest of the story at the grocery store!  [National Enquirer]

Deepthroat

Carl Bernstein has written an awesome piece smashing John McCain for being the washed-up, ideal-discarding creep he is.  

Three weeks after the 2008 Republican convention, on the cusp (maybe) of the first presidential debate, it is time to confront an awkward but profound question: whether in picking Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain has committed -- by his own professed standards of duty and honor -- a singularly unpatriotic act.

While some might feel that leaving a country-in-crisis to a backwoods PTA mom says less about personal integrity than getting tortured by gooks like forty years ago, slimer.com thinks that it is about fucking time that people start calling McCain out for being the self-serving, get-it-in-before-I-go fogie he is.  

Well done, Bernstein.  [Huffington Post]

McCain Will Debate After Naptime

Did anyone really think McCain wasn't going to go to the debate tonight? I mean, the guy is a born loser. "My friends, these times are much too important to talk about them in public with a moderator against someone who's clearly smarter than me and whom I disrespect wholeheartedly. You've seen my sleaze ads, right? My friends?"

The problem with McCain is that he makes claim that Barack Obama has no opinions and is only in the race for himself, to be a celebrity or some such nonsense. But it's a truth that McCain has never stopped running for president and actually was able to let bygones be bygones with a man who called his daugter -- who he's supposed to, what, love? -- illegitimate. His fucking daughter. It's McCain who's consistently gone on television, appearing in blockbuster movies, and giving himself ridiculous nicknames that have nothing to do with his record in the senate. The guy is so shameless, he let the metropolitan midget Rudy Giuliani -- of all people! -- tell an infantile St. Paul crowd full of "Drill Here! Drill Now!" sexual innuendoed hats that Barack Obama doesn't understand small town folks.

Thank God McCain was able to take the time out of his busy schedule that includes napping, getting fitted for a coffin, and putting a muzzle on his midgeted would-be failed vice president, to talk nonsense about supporting the troops and putting the soil his 15 houses are laid upon ahead of himself. [Politico]

Apocalypse Palin

slimer.com actually had to turn off the TV last night because he was embarrassed for that bitch Sarah Palin. When you can't watch someone you hate humiliate themselves, you know things are getting bleak.

While several points in her interview got ugly, her previously mentioned riff on Israel might have been the bleakest moment in interview history.  If you thought you'd seen it before, it's because you have in an annoying, yet pertinent internet meme from last year.

Katie Curic appeared openly insulted by Palin's stupidity, and at one point, ready to smack the shit out of her for ruining the interview and wasting her time.  McCain must be rolling over in his grave right now.  Oh wait, McCain's not dead yet.  His black heart can stand at least 40 more days of hardcore campaigning, plus maybe a week of actual presidency.  Hey, who's counting?

Anyhow, if this is how things look in the whiffle-ball batting cage, it should get really good when Joe Biden fights her to death in the barbed-wire death match.  

Herb Of The Day

Barack Obama was caught penetrating Tony Rezko's MOUTH while they did it on a bag of MONEY in the slum building they owned TOGETHER after Rezko and Bill Ayers planted a chip in Obama's BRAIN to make him a money-swindling TERRORIST who wants to turn America into the SOVIET states. [The Bulletin]

Ramussen: Obama 50, McCain 45

America, fuck yeah.

BREAKING: Bush Is Stupid

It's always nice to know that during the economic fuck fest "of the century", your president's -- president's! -- former treasury secretary thinks the president doesn't know shit, and actually says it publicly. Actually, if Paul O'Neill had said "he doesn't know shit," that would have put me more at ease than what he really did say: "I don't think he understands or knows much about any of this and it shows." [ABC News]

Sarah Palin: A 72 Year-Old Heartbeat Away

First of all, I mean -- and this should be obvious -- we should allow Israel to do whatever SHE so pleases, because -- bear with me here -- SHE is our friend and a major ally, and, well, SECOND HOLOCAUST is coming and when one country says they're the bad guy -- I mean -- when one country wants to kill another country, that country is the bad guy, as opposed to, well, what I meant to say is, okay -- let's say there are three guys; two good, one bad. The good guy that wants to melt the skin off the bad guy -- as the maverick used to do when he mavericked the North Vietnamese after flying off-course maverick-like -- the other good guy is that good guy's maverick friend. And the maverick friend says, yes, melt the skin and party all you want because you, too, can be a maverick.

The Man Who Spawned Obama

Barack Obama Sr. was many bad things: an alcoholic, a deadbeat dad, an immigrant, and worst of all, poor and black.  

But behind all the bad, there is an interesting story.  slimer.com got to listen to journalist Sally Jacobs discuss his life for a while on NPR while he was in the shower tonight.  Very interesting.  [Boston Globe]

Interesting Fact

Thanks to truthologist Ken Layne for this interesting fact.  My God, how do all these other bloggers have so many more interesting facts than us?!?

McCain also “suspended campaigning” when he ran for president eight years ago. After telling the press (his base) that he was going to announce his run in March 1999, he melodramatically “postponed” the announcement because of the U.S. bombing of the Serbs in Kosovo (and the rest of Serbia).

On a single day during this brave non-postponement, McCain appeared on Fox News, MSNBC, Larry King, Charlie Rose and the business channels to talk about Kosovo and his suspended campaign.

[Wonkette]

Deductive Reasoning Falls Into Empty Grave…

…and burrows

Rep. Hastings:

"If Sarah Palin isn’t enough of a reason for you to get over whatever your problem is with Barack Obama, then you damn well had better pay attention…Anybody toting guns and stripping moose don’t care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks. So, you just think this through."

Okay. Not the most articulate oratory of all time, but try this helicopter on for size:

Red State DOT COM headline: Alcee Hasting Equates Jews And Blacks to Animals.
That IS what he meant. Good catch, Rev. Erick Erickson, PhD!

Herb of the Day

Interesting conspiracies today. And at last count, no references to Barack Obama being the most incompetent Chamberlin Hooverist since Mussolini.

Conclusions:
Ghandi + Hitler = BFF!!!1!
Christian Peace Groups + Ahmacrazyguy = OMfG!!1! BFF4L!!!1
Ahmacrazyguy = Ghandi
Christian Peace Groups = Hitler

Wait for it…wait for it…

I told you at the outset this is a strange phenomenon. Five Christian peace
groups are embracing Hitler's heir, Mr. Ahmadinejad, the world's foremost
advocate of genocide, terrorism and death to the West… These five Christian
groups call into question their very nature and you have to wonder if they
should use as their symbol the swastika rather than the cross.

There we go. Remember everyone, Obama is the “peace candidate.” He and Ahmacrazyguy are, like, BEST FRIENDS. HE WANTS TO MEET WITH HIM FOR BRUNCH WITH THEIR PUGS TIED TO THEIR OUTDOOR XCHAIRZZZZ!!11! [The Bulletin]

McCain Will Still Probably Win Election

John McCain's behavior has taken a turn for the grotesque with his recent announcement that he is suspending his campaign, will probably not take part in this Friday's debate, and won't let Sarah Palin get brutalized in her own against Joe Biden, either.  Unfortunately, most of you clods will probably fall for this ploy and think that John McCain is actually just trying to do the right thing. And once congress pushes through their doomed-to-fail $700 million dollar package, the predictable will happen.    

"John McCain saved the economy," Americans will say.  "And he got tortured by the Viet Cong and shook Nixon's hand.  And Sarah Palin beats her husband, hates Russians, and once killed a moose with an RPG from a Chinook Helicopter."  These elections are won and lost on myths and legends.  Now McCain will create a new one. 

When that red phone rings at 3 am with word that the Iranians have overrun the Texas border from Mexico, Americans will want someone like the man who saved the economy in charge, not Black Obama, who will probably be drinking malt liquor and shooting dice behind some building in Southeast Washington.  [CNN.com]

Irrational Woman Misses the Point

Campbell Brown, a stock CNN hot chick/anchor, decries the McCain campaign for sexism in her column today.

Frankly I have had it, and I know a lot of other women out there who are
with me on this. I have had enough of the sexist treatment of Sarah Palin. It
has to end.

She was in New York on Tuesday meeting with world leaders at the U.N.
And what did the McCain campaign do? They tried to ban reporters from
covering those meetings. And they did ban reporters from asking Gov. Palin any
questions.

I call upon the McCain campaign to stop treating Sarah Palin like she is a delicate flower who will wilt at
any moment.

Blah, blah, blah...

By treating Sarah Palin differently from other candidates in this race, you
are not showing her the respect she deserves.

Free Sarah Palin.

Free her from the chauvinistic chains you are binding her with.

Done yet?

By wading so deeply into this shallow issue, Brown proves exactly why men don't respect women - and "feminists" in particular. Brown operates on the assumption here that Sarah Palin has something important to say, that she's being silenced by powerful men who want to bring her down who don't want to see her break through that mythical glass ceiling.

The truth is, McCain is keeping her silent because she's as dumb as a pile of frozen polar bear shit, and his campaign put her on the ticket as a hired vagina to pick up votes from women like Brown who vote with their hormones and not their minds.

Hopefully, Brown will do slimer.com a favor and slap some sense into herself before he has to fly down to Atlanta and do it for her. [CNN.com]

Afternoon Armageddon

• McCain suspends his campaign for the good of being elected president.
  
• McCain is too much of a vagina to debate in the middle of an economic wet shit storm.
  
• McCain has learned that you don't deal with American crises by slathering cake all over the father of your illegitimate black baby's face.
  
• Bush, still president -- president! -- points out the obvious in a boring speech tonight, that is sure to send the DOW down another 300 points.
  
• Obama to McCain: Thanks for returning my call, but the debate is still on, you old bumbling fuck.
  
• Al Gore: Still insane.

Dems Pussy Out To Irrational Stupidity

Every time I think the Democrats have a chance to show people that it's okay to be liberal, and no, offshore drilling and going to church won't solve our economic crisis, they prove me wrong. [Democrats to let offshore drilling ban expire]

Rush Limbaugh said on his program that if Republicans want to win, they should start talking about offshore drilling. Two weeks later, John McCain of 2008 betrayted the John McCain of 1982-2007 and agreed with the Man Hog.

It's a fact that drilling offshore will do nothing to lower oil prices. Oil is sold on a global market. We can't secretly drill for oil and keep it for ourselves unless we expect other countries to do the same. And if that did happen in some alternate reality, our country would go to shit because middle eastern countries clearly had more dinosaurs than we do.

If we do start drilling, oil companies would have to build these huge rigs after obtaining permits. The average estimate for producing our first drop of oil would be a decade from now. If we're lucky. At that, no one knows (besides Herb Denenberg) if there's a significant amount of oil off our shores. If there isn't oil, prices will go up so the gas companies can earn back all the money they lost drilling in the first place.

But it doesn't matter. The people are stupid, and 57 percent support drilling. Great for them. Every time I hear a "Drill Baby, Drill!" chant, I lose a year of my life, and when I see these idiots wearing hats with the slogan, I begin to realize why a large segment of our population wants creationism taught in public science classrooms.

Sarah Palin, Messiah?

slimer.com's least favorite international newspaper has no shortage of annoying columnists, but Caroline Glick might be the biggest bitch out of all of them. Two days ago, she slobbered out an attack on Jewish-American Democratic voters for not supporting the presidential ticket with the most warlike, hysterical outlook on the Middle East. Never mind that American Jews are more right-wing, anti-peace, and pro-settler than Israelis.

Based on the pandering drivel that Sarah Palin released on the internet after being uninvited from the latest Jewish-American Fearfest, Glick has concluded that Palin is the candidate for Israel, and that Jews will be made to shovel each other into crematoriums at gunpoint by Muslims should Obama be elected president.

She refers to Palin's opposition to "Iran's war against Israel, the US, and freedom loving peoples worldwide", as if Obama were in favor of it. She cited Palin's acknowledgement of the Iranian regime's systematic repression of women, as if Sarah Palin - not to mention Glick, not to mention most Jewish people - could give a fucking fuck about Iranian women (who surely could give a gift-wrapped shit about them). She reiterates Palin's opposition to the 1983 suicide bombing that killed hundreds of marines in Lebanon. She even cites the Governor's opposition to "another Holocaust".

What a joke.

Palin subscribes to a superstition that says people like slimer.com will lead the way to Armageddon with their hand-sculpted penis, whereupon devils will kill ninety-percent of them, the rest will be saved by Jesus, and then wage a crusade that will eventually culminate in world peace for the surviving fraction of humanity. Glick is going to vote for this whore over someone that will fix her economy, get people health care, get people jobs, and actually give her a fucking tax cut, unless she gets paid over $250,000 for her bullshit column.

This is not just what's wrong with Jews. This is what's wrong with all of you, America. [Jerusalem Post]

Cyberists Wage Jihad on Bill O'Reilly

Those kids are at it again!

Drudge tells me that some blog tells me that Bill O'Reilly's website was hacked by a bunch of geeks, who then posted the usernames and passwords of his fans for all to see.

It was all fun and games until the hackers realized that they had fucked a lot of really vindictive people really hard. Like the dickwads O'Reilly fans are, most of them used the same password to access his stupid website as they do to access their personal financial details, Pay Pal for example. Now, the Secret Service and FBI are coming to waterboard the perpetrators and send them to Guantanamo Bay for eighty years.

Lesson one, don't ever go to Bill O'Reilly's website. Lesson two, don't use the same passwords to access unsecure web sites as you do to authorize money transfers, you dipshits. [ZDNet]

Rick Davis: Moron Scumbag

NY Times:

"One of the giant mortgage companies at the heart of the credit crisis paid $15,000 a month to a firm owned by Senator John McCain’s campaign manager from the end of 2005 through last month...The disclosure contradicts a statement Sunday night by Mr. McCain that the campaign manager, Rick Davis, had no involvement with the company for the last several years. Mr. Davis’s firm received the payments from the company, Freddie Mac, until it was taken over by the government this month along with Fannie Mae."

No fucking shit. Rick Davis is the same liar that thought it was a good campaign strategy to make fun of Barack Obama for being likable and healthy.

Remember this trashcan of stupidity?:

"Only a celebrity of Barack Obama's magnitude could attract 200,000 fans in Berlin who gathered for the mere opportunity to be in his presence. These are not supporters or even voters, but fans fawning over The One. Only celebrities like Barack Obama go to the gym three times a day, demand "MET-RX chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and bottles of a hard-to-find organic brew -- Black Forest Berry Honest Tea" and worry about the price of arugula."

Herb Of The Day

Today, Diapers talks about Biden's plagiarism charges from 1988. He also goes onto repeat the right wing self pity fuckshit: "Much of the mainstream media seems to be willing to forget his plagiarism, his exaggerations and his lies. But I'm absolutely sure they would not be so generous and forgiving if he were a Republican candidate for high office. And I'd stay with my conclusion: If a guy who is running for high office doesn't have enough sense not to lie about and exaggerate his own record he is clearly too stupid, and perhaps too dishonest, to be president."

Okay, okay. Biden shouldn't be president. Fuck. I knew the Biden-Obama ticket should have been switched around. The Democrats are finished.

It's hard to imagine the mind of this old man, so full of hate and anger. I mean, the old age could explain why all his headlines are exactly the same, and everyone informed has a bias one way or the other, but come on. He's actually got a "stupidity count" for Biden in this article, and most of it stems from things Biden did 20 years ago. I guess the real question is, if Herb Denenberg spends his whole day red-faced, fuming at his desktop computer, and then no one (who takes his column seriously) reads his column, does he actually write his column? [The Bulletin]

Dr. Paul Likes Baldwin Brother

At least we know ONE candidate for office isn't a Reptilian Humanoid.

Dr. Ron Paul, ESQ. PhD., has endorsed a fellow squirrely-faced freak for presidente, Chuck Baldwin of the Constitution Party (which, let's be honest, has a tendency to be sodomized by Dick "I did 9/11" Cheney). And some moron named Chip Berlet called the Constitution Party "theocratic neofascism," whatever the fuck that means. Get off your fucking high horse.

Baldwin, after getting off his knees and wiping his mouth, got up and stood beside the good DOCTOR and said, "I am committed to carrying on the Ron Paul Revolution for a return to constitutionally limited government."

Is it possible that Ron Paul's endrosement actually means shit? We wouldn't have thought so months back when Cheekbag McCain was picking fights with him in the debates, but now we're not so sure. If Chuck Baldwin wins, is Alec still going to move to France? [Talk To Action]

Tom Friedman Writes Tear-Stained Letter

Dear Iraqi losers,

I am Tom Friedman, and I write twice weekly in a column called "Tommy tells you about stuff you already know." Lately, as you know, our economy is fucked and you motherfuckers keep taking our money to build Baghdad ferris wheels just so they can get blown to smitherines by the New World Order and their co-conspirator, CIA agent Osama bin Laden.

Well, Iraqis who haven't been killed or fled to the peaceful, prosperous nation of Syria, I want to tell you that our guys who patrol your streets might not be there too much longer. So please. Get ready to start killing each other once we leave so the Republicans can thumb their noses at the defeat-o-crats who slow bleed our troops and voted against World War II. [New York Times]

John Goodman (McCain aide): Comedic God

HA HA HA!!!!
John Goodman told the best joke ever!

THEN: Mr. Goodman, who helped craft Sen. John McCain’s health care policy, said anyone with access to an emergency room effectively has insurance, albeit the government acts as the payer of last resort.

NOW: Yesterday, in an interview with conservative radio host Mike Gallagher, Goodman finally commented, claiming that he was only being “tongue-in-cheek” and that anyone “on the left” who was upset had “no sense of humor.”

John Goodman (not the fat fuck from Dunkin Donuts commercial voice-over fame) will be appearing at the LAFF FACTORY in Hollywood Monday and Thursday next week. Get your tickets now because they're bound to sell out within the next half hour. [Think Progress]

Finally, Real News

It's amazing what you can learn about politics at the supermarket.  Here is a round-up of headlines that slimer.com spotted on the cover of magazines he had too much pride to actually buy and read.

• There is some sort of Sarah Palin "sex bombshell" including "lies", "steamy pictures", and most scandalously, a "baby secret".  [Globe]
• The Kennedy family has erupted in "war", with "dying Ted's" kids telling his wife Vicki "get out!".  [Globe] 
• The "shocking document" that proves "Obama is Muslim" has been discovered.  [National Examiner]  (they have no website)

If you have any doubts about the authenticity of these scoops, just remember, the National Examiner broke the Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Oprah love triangle back in February.

Socialist Gets Served by Young Professional

While searching through Facebook today to see which losers that went to slimer.com's high school are getting obliterated by the current financial crisis, he came across the group "Morgan Stanley Young Professionals".

A quick browse of the "wall" of this board revealed this funny exchange:

Ah, when world's collide.

I Should Have Thought About This Before Eight Years of Architectural School

slimer.com's associate The Pirate had this to say to a mutual friend who just graduated after years and years of studying how to build houses.

I hate to be a killjoy (actually, I don't), but there are literally millions
of houses languishing unsold throughout the country. When we begin to emerge from
the mortgage crisis — if that ever happens, and we don't have an Argentine-style
bank run on U.S. currency by our foreign creditors — the first people to buy new
houses will opt for those, which will be undervalued relative to the rest of the
inflating economy. Only after those millions of unsold houses are bought and paid
for will people even consider building new houses. This is likely to take
something in the neighborhood of six to ten years.

You're dead.

Dead.

Alex Jones and Ben Stein Impress the Cretins...What?

We want a second opinion on the economic fuck-fest America is currently experiencing. So we went to Info Wars, as promised. (Emphasis mine, for comedic/informational purposes)

Most do not realize there is a crash right around the corner and it is part of the New International Economic Order — synonymous with the phrase New World Order — proposed by the Trilateral Commission, a coterie of bankers and directors of transnational corporations headed up by the chairman of Chase Manhattan Bank and a central figure in the Council on Foreign Relations, David Rockefeller.

He continues:

In other words, if passed by Congress, Paulson and Bernanke will have the authority to intervene in the markets as they — as minions of the global elite — deem necessary. It is not a stretch to imagine the outcome: a cornering of the gold, silver, or platinum markets, the snatching up of prime real estate and corporations, running the competition out of business. In essence, this represents the sovietization of the U.S. economy. It is central planning as envisioned by the global elite. It is a triumph for the New International Economic Order. It is a fait accompli for the globalists.

Now, the really fucked up thing: Besides all the New World Order crap, this article makes a ton of sense.

And here's what Ben Stein had to say today:

The profit can be wildly out of proportion to the real amount of defaults, because speculators can push down the price of instruments tied to the subprime mortgages far beyond what the real rates of loss have been. As I said, the profits here can be beyond imagining. (In fact, they can be so large that one might well wonder if the whole subprime fiasco was not set up just to allow speculators to profit wildly on its collapse...)

Commenter Stares At Red Dog Dick Release Fluid

On Republican blogs, they make claim that Barack Obama and his supporters believe that anyone who doesn't support Barack Obama for President is a racist. This isn't true, they know it, but the right thrives on phony self-pity (the media is liberal, Hollywood hates us, etc.) So, keeping with that ornament to stupididation in his rape room (now with an Apple II e desktop!), Red State DOT COM commenter "specialist" releases this quip:
My pug is racist! When we go for walks..he only p's on Obama signs..

Herb of the Day

Jesus Christ. This guy has no limits. At least The Bulletin doesn't pay him shit for his ridiculous columns. Then again, they don't have enough money to do so.

From "The Advocate" column entitled "Add 'Hoover' To List Of Obama Nicknames" (in fact, the lead!):

We've all met Barack "Neville Chamberlain" Obama and Barack "Rev. God Damn America" Obama, so now let me introduce you to a third face: Barack "Herbert Hoover" Obama. Just as Sen. Obama learned nothing from Chamberlain and his talks with Hitler, and so proposes to talk without preconditions to Amadinejad, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez and the rest of the axis of evil, by like token, he's learned nothing from the lessons of Herbert Hoover and the Great Depression.

Denenberg often claims that the media is dead. We agree. He's living proof. [The Bulletin]

Moron Alert

Human Events writer S.E. Cupp proposes the same old garbage about Obama's scary SOCIALIST proposals, then says things to the effect of, 'even SOCIALISTS don't like Obama!' Let's keep in mind he's had a consistent lead over old cheekbag McCain for months. So if having socialists like you is all the sudden a good thing, what does that say about the man who took a 5-year vacation in a tropical paradise and now won't shut up about it?

Cupp interviews Greg Pason, National Secretary of the Socialist Party USA, who says: “Barack Obama's programs are not socialist." HA HA Socialists hate you Arab scumbag! You're a socialist who's not good enough for socialists! And America hates your guts!

There are few things as stupid as conservatives who claim the old McCarthy talking points because they're too lazy to come up with new ideas and write good columns. Abortion...Guns...Income redistribution...socialist...communist...terrorist sympaatthh...[Human Events]

Rush Limbaugh Is A Man Hog

Remember in elementary school you learn about how there are limits on free speech (ala Yelling "Fire" in a crowded theater)? Well I'm no fan of the fairness doctrine, but...

Rush Limbaugh on Barack Obama: "Do you know he has not one shred of African-American blood?...He's Arab. You know, he's from Africa. He's from Arab parts of Africa. ... [H]e's not African-American. The last thing that he is is African-American." [Media Matters]

Brooks: Wall Street Did 9/11. Or Something.

David Brooks says: Your fucked. Because you suck. Why do you suck? Because Wall Street sucks. Why? Because they're run by assholes. The result, (cue the evil music) A New World Order! Followers of the Good Doctor, one Ron Paul: it's time to take on the system -- again -- and show everyone how WTC building 7 was a CONTROLLED DEMOLITION and Bush used a REMOTE CONTROL JOYSTICK to crash the planes into the towers to create this mess so we could invade Iraq and Bush becomes CEO of every bank in America and then the pope and Israel get their armies together to take over the MIDDLE EAST! Reptilians Unite! Only David Icke can stop us now! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Angry Ron Paul Tells Wall Street to Go to Hell

Naturally, Ron Paul is responding to the current financial crisis with his usual refrain: "America is screwed, and you're all morons." As usual, he is right.

The government must divorce itself of the albatross of Fannie and Freddie, balance and drastically decrease the size of the federal budget, and reduce onerous regulations on banks and credit unions that lead to structural rigidity in the financial sector.

Sounds likely.

Dr. Paul concludes that the US must disband the federal government, dissolve into 50 sovereign nations loosely bound in a military alliance, and that George W. Bush killed thousands on 9/11. [CNN.com]

Biden and Obama Set For Cage Match

Instead of informing the rabid toothless hillbillies who are so unemployed, they go to his site every 20 seconds to see if there's a new article they can spam with "OBamaZ a Muzlim" comments, Drudge is trying to push stories that Biden and Obama hate each other's guts. Drudge claims in his headline that Obama "scolds" Biden, when in actuality he said he disagrees with one of his ideas (Remember these guys debated each other in the primary debates? Remember?) and another says Biden thinks Obama's ad is "terrible." The Democrats are finished.

Drudge knows that his site is frequented by Republicans who think terrorists living in caves can take over our government, and others who think Mexicans aren't coming here to work, but to take back their land James Polk stole in the hilarious invastion of Mexico back in the 1800s.

According to Drudge's own stupid logical headlines that are supposed to get you to conclude something new and irrational daily, McCain's 200 year-old mom hates her son because she called his Paris Hilton ad "stupid." [Drudge Report 9/23/08 AM]

Think Progress: Democrats, Remember Your History

There's a good post on Think Progress relating Bush's bullshit $700 billion bailout (BB7BB for short) to history, and explaining that despite his calls to mimick Roosevelt's bi-partisan rhetoric, Roosevelt never would have bailed out the private sector for the good of big business CEOs and their bad behavior. Neither would have Jefferson. In actuality, says writer John Halpin, the Fed and public ownership of money was a Republican idea, pushed by Hamilton and later Senator Nelson Aldrich, a close friend of Reptilian Humanoid JP Morgan. [Think Progress]

Pedophilia Isn't Funny Anymore

Conservatives are pissed.  Apparently, the worst show in television for the last 30 years made a joke this weekend about Todd Palin fucking his numerous children.  The Phony Outrage Movement can be forgiven for their fury though, considering that the skit was so prolifically uninspired and uninteresting, it could have been mistaken for a segment on any major cable news network. 

Here it is.  Put on your funny hats.

One redneck quoted by WorldNetDaily had this to say:

"It is time the Palin family brought out the big guns. They need to sue General Electric, NBC, 'Saturday Night Live,'" said Al Barrs of Bascom, Fla. "This is clearly criminal and defamation of character of an entire family and state. All the above needs to be taken to their knees big time once and for all."

On a sidenote, while I was reading this shitty story on that shitty website, this advertisement was blinking on the sidebar.

Rick Davis: Twerp

Yesterday:
McCain says, "My campaign manager [Rick Davis] has stopped [lobbying], has had nothing to do with it since, and I’ll be glad to have his record examined by anybody who wants to look at it."

This morning:
The New York Times says, Rick Davis was paid $30,000 a month for five years as president of an advocacy group that was set up by the mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to defend them against stricter regulations, current and former officials say.

Later:
Steve Schmidt says, "Whatever The New York Times once was, it is today not by any standard a journalistic organization."

Then:
New York Times says, "The New York Times is committed to covering the candidates fully, fairly and aggressively, [and by the way, fuck you. Stop crying.]"

And finally:
The Politico says, "Sen. John McCain’s top campaign aides convened a conference call today to complain of being called “liars.” They pressed the media to scrutinize specific elements of Sen. Barack Obama’s record. But the call was so rife with simple, often inexplicable misstatements of fact that it may have had the opposite effect: to deepen the perception, dangerous to McCain, that he and his aides have little regard for factual accuracy."

Fair and Balanced

Neal Cavuto solemnly speaks on financial fuck-fest: "Fannie and Freddie are a disaster. Loaning to minorities and risky folks is a disaster." [Media Matters]

Thank God Cars Don't Run on Gasoline

Today, oil prices made their biggest one day jump since the precious substance transformed from rotten dinosaur to black slop. slimer.com is glad he doesn't have a car. [CNN.com]

You Can Go Now

Jawed Ahmad, an Afghan journalist employed by the Candian broadcaster CTV, has been released from imprisonment without charge at the US military base at Bagram Airbase. Good times were reportedly had by all over the course of his eleven month American vacation, with Ahmad routinely being kicked, face-smashed against tables, made to stand in the snow barefoot, and at one point, forced to stay awake for nine days in a row. Does this guy know how to party or what?

When asked what the first thing was that he'd do when he got home, he replied: "Take a nap!" [Salon]

Powell Says Georgia Responsible For Getting Their Shit Force-fed To Themselves

Wow. Colin Powell doesn't shamefully lie to the U.N. and let his commanding commander-in-chief send the American military into a bogus war that will eventually be fought for nothing, so Boeing can make a huge profit after 8 years of relative calm, and America can be divided into those that support the troops and those that hate America with all their hearts. For once.

AMANPOUR: And some debate in the presidential elections has basically been, “We are all Georgians now.” What does that mean? It’s the same as was said after 9/11.

POWELL: One candidate said that, and I’ll let the candidate explain it for himself. […] You have to be very careful in a situation like this not just to leap to one side or the other until you’ve taken a good analysis of the whole situation.
[Crooks and Liars]

From My Cold...Dead...you know the drill

The NRA enthusiasts have new ads up on their totally awesome site, GunBanObama.com, that feature clowns who vote on a single issue they haven't done any research on. This site is sure to come up again, as it is a slap in the face to the idea of thinking.

At least Everyone Knows We're Fucked

19 percent of Americans approve of the job Bush is doing. 51 percent believe in ghosts. 12 percent think Barack Obama is a secret Muslim. 0 percent think the economy is getting better. 0 percent. [American Research Group]

Al-CIA-Duh

Over at Alex Jones' Infowars, the Pakistani bombing this weekend (which still isn't news) is covered. "Why Would “Terrorists” Want To Decapitate Anti-US Leadership In Pakistan?" they ask.

It should be remembered that Alex Jones and his apostles don't believe in terrorists, or that America has any enemies in the world besides the neo-con American government run by international big business owners and "banksters" in the Roethschild and Rockefeller families, who convene once a year for the Bilderberg bash in Vancouver. Long story short: The CIA, or some other form of the New World Order are responsible for the bombing. Someone send out the Ron Paul signal. [Info Wars]